What did Venus say to Saturn? Arrrrgh-entina! Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper? 182. ", A Husband and Wife at Custody court. He was looking a little green. Because seven ate nine. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, "The soup is cold. 109. 149. He says to his dragon friend, "I'm so bored of tinned food." 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It's groundbreaking. What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. he shouted. "Let go of the branch", boomed the voice.There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "Is there anybody else up there? For a high school dance, the head boy asked out the girl he liked. Why did the dinosaur go to the doctor? 108. A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. How do you get Pikachu on a bus? Why waste perfectly good fuel on a tyrant? What do you call someone with no body and no nose? 131. I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset about it. Why don't cats tell stories? 82. That way they can both watch wrestling. Its part of my religion and Im on edge., The redneck cop writes the Muslim man a ticket and looks down at him, then says: One, yer religion dont let you slide past all our laws, an two, it aint called fastin, stupid. 240. You scared the living daylights out of me! A Dell! It's my way or the Huawei. 51. Someone glued my deck of cards together. Well except the kids, right? Sarah Lemire is a lifestyle reporter at TODAY.com with more than a decade of experience writing across an array of channels including home, health, holidays, personal finance, shopping, food, fashion, travel and weddings. To sing, Hello from the other side! What do you call it when you walk into a cafe youre sure youve been to before? A parrot. There was de-Brie everywhere. Manage Settings Some of our partners may process your data as a part of their legitimate business interest without asking for consent. They always get a flush 23. 249. Moo-Years Day! It was only discovered after take off, when the flight attendants started going through their preparations for the meals. Goodbye, 2022. As we drink the coffee, we realized that it tastes like dirt and mud. The other replies: chickens, why?if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[250,250],'humoropedia_com-mobile-leaderboard-2','ezslot_19',624,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-humoropedia_com-mobile-leaderboard-2-0'); The first says: If I guess how many chickens you got in that bag there can i have one?, The redneck holding the bag of chickens says: If you guess how many chickens are in this bag Ill give you both of them!, Redneck couple get married. As they do, they are passed by a wiser, older fish coming the other way. 50. 49. Never mind, I shouldnt spread it! After a long period of silence she finally speaks: "Tim, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. What do you call someone who doesnt like carbs? I can even do it with my eyes closed. What did the duck say when it bought lipstick? How does Lady Gaga like her steak? 223. A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning. What do you get when you cross a snake with a pie? "Tim gets this horrified look on his face.She says, "Darling, what's wrong? 161. 252. But why didn't you tell me that when I asked you? They only have one tail. Never mind, its over your head. "Help! The handyman was wearing two heavy parkas on a hot summer day. Why did the yogurt go to the art exhibition? Cliff. Why are hairdressers never late for work? Where do young trees go to learn? Shutterstock Aye matey! Pigs shouldn't drive. Book-worms! What do you call someone who cant stick with a diet? I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise., Thats amazing, the woman said. 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A bulldozer. We charge only for the potatoes., My daughter brought a friend from school and she said his great-great-great-great-grandfather was coming to pick him up later. A businessman went into the office and found an inexperienced handyman painting the walls. "If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up", said the sarcastic teacher. I can do it with my eyes closed. 4. ", says the first crow.The second crows takes a long look, "That's a scarecrow. I stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was. 58. Alabamait has four As and one B! It's too far to walk. I sold my vacuum the other day. 210. What do planets sing in a choir? Why is it annoying to eat next to basketball players? 75. Mind Your Own Business replied, "I am looking for Trouble! Because he wont submit. When the police officer asked him for his name, he replied, "Mind Your Own Business!" When do you need to climb the ladder? I'm a congressman.". There are over 200 short jokes that will keep you and your friends chucklesnorting all day! The mosquito replied, "Yeah, I know. A chili dog. 61. I prefer to throw them away. My daughter brought a friend from school and she said his great-great-great-great-grandfather was coming to pick him up later. Man overboard! ", My nagging wife died suddenly on a trip to Jerusalem. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend. What did the policeman say to his hungry stomach? The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone. One was named Trouble, while the other boy's name was Mind Your Own Business. Knotty Kinks. It was pointless. We want you to allow us to fly out just like last year. The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops. Why cant you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? (Gumball, The Loud House, Teen Titans Go) The amazing world of gumball, Teen titan and Teen titans Go, Adventure Time and even Gravity falls are. My friend once called a few house painters to his house for some work. ", A redneck's father passed away in his sleep. She was having a dry spell. said the barber. It was tense. Please provide your email address and we will send your password shortly. The thief replied: "In that case, give me my money.". One says, Spit out your gum, and the other says, Choo choo choo!. 25 You might be a redneck if you are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again. Where does a waitress with only one leg work? What kind of fishing bait do librarians use? 100 Best Dark Humor Jokes 1. How do you make holy water? Just take your pick! Subscribe to Skip to my Lou to get new ideas delivered to your inbox. ", Donald Trump was walking through Manhattan and saw a long queue. Pup-eroni pizza! What does a cloud wear under his raincoat? What is an astronauts favorite meal of the day? Because he was outstanding in his field. Because pepper water makes them sneeze. "The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." With a mon-key. Two dragons walk into a bar. "As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since. I dont know, but the flag is a big plus. Theres no b in rose!Carl replied, There was in this one!. I got rid of my vacuum. Anyone can write on Bored Panda. Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. 2. What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror? The consent submitted will only be used for data processing originating from this website. A flat minor. Is there anybody up there?" "30 minutes later he's back in line at the ATM. To get to High School. Why cant you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? 117. A soccer match. @hotmail.com: You still think that MySpace is hip. Lawsuits. Nobody knows. Why aren't there any restaurants on the moon? So, the airline had bungled, and the crew was in a fix. 259. We respect your privacy. The first rule of the Alzheimers club is Wait, where are we again? 45. 3. A palm tree! Two redneck hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. The girl wanted to have some apple punch so the boy went to get it, but to his surprise, there was no punch line. says the wife. 104. 107. Plus over 100 more of the funniest jokes for holidays and even new jokes for dad to tell! 143. Haloumi! Did you hear about the guy who stole a calendar? "Driver: "Oh, ok. How much do people donate on average. 231. IHOP. What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant? Shutterstock Lawsuits! Excited, Jim goes back to Bob and says: I will be taking 4 classes: English, Math, Science, and Logic., Logic? Bob said, What the heck is that?. He Neverlands. 1 Two Redneck Farmers. A dumb blonde joke? Feeling insulted, the police officer still asked politely who he was looking for. How does a rancher keep track of his cattle? I was going to tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it. It was tired of being pushed around. "I work for the 3M company! So they have a Ball. Let's be honest - dirty jokes can be a hit or a miss. What do you call a fake father? Where do happy lightning bolts live? Jim says to Bob: You know what? Because he was outstanding in his field. Which state is the smartest? Redneck cousin comes into the kitchen and Dad once again asks what is desired for breakfast. Market research. With a pumpkin patch. They are on their honeymoon. It just didnt work out! Two Tennessee rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. He pulled him over again. Because they have a lot of spirit! 291. "I work for the Four Seasons hotel! Why couldn't the bicycle stand up without help? Why did the deer go to the dentist? A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. 272. 2 What's orange and sounds like a parrot? "This must be a mistake," the man says. What do you get when you cross a grocery store and a scientist? While they were playing in their fort, one of the boys accidentally stepped in the redneck cousins finger. "Oh, Im so sorry to hear that. Ask her anything! Address! It lost its contacts. I always pronounce one word wrong. Did you hear the rumor about the butter? Whats the best thing about Switzerland? You bet your fur! A fence. ""For a minute there you were beginning to sound like my ex-wife.""Ex-wife!" 193. 162. Thinking this was a little strange, the businessman asked the handyman why he was wearing the parkas on such a hot day. 35 Animal Jokes For Kids 227. Because the P is silent! A climber fell off a cliff, and, as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch. ", A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.His wife asks, "Do you know her? Cauli-flower. Nep-tunes. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it. What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account? An hour passed, two hours passed. How do you mend a jack-o-lantern? What is it?The attorney replied, The pictures are of you with your secretary., I was visiting the house of a distant cousin when I saw that he was playing chess with his cat. The mummy said, "Please don't play jazz because my trom-bones are in a very bad shape. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen. Why did the melon jump into the lake? Same middle name. "That kid never learns! Mother's Day. When the father asked the boy after dinner why he had asked such a question, he replied, "Papa, I think worms taste okay because there was one in your noodles. A: Control Freak. People would look over their shoulder, see that is was Donald Trump behind them, and leave the queue, so he would proceed closer and closer to the front. "The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?There was a long pause and finally he said, "How 'bout if I drag him over to Oak Street and you pick him up there? 157. Dad smacks the little boy and admonishes him for swearing and sends him back into his room. Why should the number 288 never be mentioned? He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. Where do polar bears vote? She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs. But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. What is the difference between a teacher and a train? What type of flower should you not give on Valentines Day? 3 What do lawyers wear to court? Hour you doing? "The farmer didn't answer. Which holiday do cows enjoy most? Its two gross. The next morning Dad is making breakfast and the first little boy drifts into the kitchen. 83. Ten tickles 22. Why are teddy bears never hungry? He got 12 months. Three rednecks are drinking beer at a bar. 3. Prime mates. 258. Well my wifes so stupid, she bought us a Blu-Ray player and we dont even have a TV. In case they get a hole in one. You spend so much time on the course. Two young salmon are swimming along one day. A meow-tain. A nervous wreck. A Mars bar. A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. The mosquito said that he had a lot of problems. All of the fans left. In a trunk. What breaks when you speak? 37. 120. What lights up a soccer stadium? I'm really good at sleeping. Do you know a funny joke? 70. It was only discovered after take off, when the flight attendants started going through their preparations for the meals. What do you call a sleeping bull? The past, present and future walked into a bar. Everything I looked at. As long as you think it's an entrance, it'll continue to hurt. In a hambulance. Why did the tomato turn red? Paw raises up, Git my gun, Maw.if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'humoropedia_com-mobile-leaderboard-1','ezslot_18',623,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-humoropedia_com-mobile-leaderboard-1-0'); She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. Sometimes I wonder why but kids love knock-knock jokes. A cool joke about geography? Help, Ive fallen and I cant giddy up. ", A boy read a restaurant sign that advertised fat-free French fries. Finally, he goes to the dance with the girl. Everything else is irrelephant. "Funeral director: "But sir, why don't you bury her here in the Holy Land and you can save money. I had him chained to a transmission!. It's hard to suppress the giggles after hearing a cheesy joke. The next time you would be subtracting 10 from 90. 65. A climber fell off a cliff, and, as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch. 151. Foil again!. How did the hipster burn his mouth? A desserter. Have you ever talked to a lawyer? Why did the M&M go to school? What do you call a bear with no teeth? What lights up a soccer stadium? Im a virgin.. So, the wife and I were in town shopping And as we came out of a store, three girls aged between 18 and 20 walked by, wearing tiny cropped tops and short short skirts. 171. Bored Panda works better on our iPhone app. Once you are there, give the jokes youve enjoyed the most your vote and share this article with your friends afterward. Start writing! I was once passing through a town in England when this lady stopped me because she needed help fixing her car that had broken down. He approaches the bartender and says, "If there is a triangle with three sides labeled x, y, and z, and x and z are perpendicular to each other, which side is the hypotenuse? The bartender is extremely busy and looks tired. Which table fits in the fridge? 5) "Nowadays, comedians tell the news and the media tells the jokes.". Better yet, having your own stash of dad jokes ready to roll for the next family holiday or dinner with friends is a must because a good ol' knee-slapper is always welcome. ", A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news.. A couple of hours into the flight she nervously announced, "Ladies and gentleman; we don't know how this happened, but we have over 400 people on board, but only 200 dinners. How many times can you subtract 10 from 100? Soon, a Labrador walks in, sniffs the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Where do you learn to make banana splits? Because they use honeycombs. She was hit by the zamboni. Which U.S. state has the smallest soft drinks? Why do oranges wear sunscreen? Why are ghosts good cheerleaders? She gets out and says I want you two to make mad passionate love to me in the barn. "Beat it. Mind Your Business counted to a hundred and then started looking for his brother. Funny Dirty Jokes for Adults 21. Approximately 1 GB. Shutterstock A New Jersey! A pork chop. The snail says, What was that all about?, One day Max went to see Carl. By hareplanes. The robber angrily replied back, "Do not change the subject, okay? 158. How much space will be freed in the EU after Brexit? ""This is incredible", said the man. They have anty-bodies. Why wouldnt the shrimp share his treasure? When I told him that it was a miracle, he disagreed and told me, "Son, I had just fallen from the first step of the ladder.". Dia-purrs! ", asks another waiter. 237. ", A man stands in line at an ATM in Moscow. Ill hang around. As he was getting closer to the head of the queue, he asked one guy, who also looked and was about to walk away, "Wait a second, what is this queue for and why are you now leaving it? Why do birds fly south for the winter? I said that it had to be the most intelligent cat ever. ", This is the type of kid who will become a powerful investor or banker someday! Linas is a SEO List Curator at Bored Panda with a bachelor's degree in Communication & Digital Marketing. The Lock Up. She has lost all her matches!". Whats the most famous fish? Whats the most musical part of the chicken? When we stopped him and asked why he was doing that, he replied, "I was just trying to see how it tasted because my teacher said that the homework would be a piece of cake for me. Sounds great, said the health-conscious boy. A pork chop. Did you hear about the polite clown? Then, the girl took two cookies and lied about it. she screams, "I didn't know you were married before! I will never forget some of these, and you better believe my friends are hearing them. So in the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body. A gents! It was tense. I was in my garden when I got the news that my father had fallen from a 20 feet ladder and was in the hospital. So, if you don't like jokes, skip jokes and view photos only. On a road trip with the family? You mustang out with me. 136. Then, after getting his tofu hot dog, the Buddhist hands the vendor a $20 bill. You will have to leave two behind.. By the bark. Thinking this was a little strange, the businessman asked the handyman why he was wearing the parkas on such a hot day.The handyman showed him the instructions on the can of paint. Please share in the comments. What did the snail who was riding on the turtles back say? 178. Share. 101. The junk food of the comedy world, you can never have just one. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. A four-chin teller. A pouch potato. In his sleevies! How do you make a water bed bouncier? The vendor takes the money and begins helping the next customer. How do you make a tissue . 294. Poke him on. Because people are dying to get in. ", During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then? 236. Whats the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? Loss of memory. ( Golf Workout Program) 7) "Housework won't kill you. The eeriest. During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital. Why does everyone invite ice cream to the party? Ive been here only 20 minutes!No mistake, the doctor says. 113. A frog, because it croaks every night. There's no atmosphere. The man shakes his head. The doctor saw him and asked him what the matter was. It ran out of juice! People are always worried about their cell phones or microwaves spying on them. I don't like getting the cold shoulder. 262. Why did the can crusher quit his job? Let's keep in touch and we'll send more your way. How do trees access the internet? Because every play has a cast. bamc emergency medicine residency; lightsaber activation box Why was the cell phone wearing glasses? A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, "Congratulations! Where should you go in the room if youre feeling cold? Secondhand stores. A cocker-poodle boo. Its the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. 116. Namaste. And this one will be too, because (1) I like talking, (2) I want to continue with the joke, and (3) I just don't plain care about what anyone here thinks but whatever it is very hilarious. Print them off for free! data nugget why are butterfly wings colorful answer key. Billionaire Mindset On Dreads Dreadlocks Crazy Hair. You can change your preferences. Why do you go to bed at night? 140. 154. It slipped a disk. He's demanding 10 million rubles, or he'll douse Putin in petrol and set him on fire. 196. The drumstick. Diddly-squats. My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!! What's the best way to watch a fishing show? Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. What did one hat say to the other? How old are you?. What do you call a lazy kangaroo? What does a baby computer call its father? Then the driver said, "Look, mate, don't ever do that again. ", asks the bear. 128. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up. he shouted.A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:"I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me. A redneck husband, who has six children, begins to call his wife mother of six rather than by her first name.The wife, amused at first, chuckles. A walk. No, answered the redneck, she just lays there like her mother.